The idea of forgiveness has been playing like a skipping record over and over again in my head. Skipping, repeating each verse. The verses being my own doubts. At this point in my life, I feel as though forgiveness will only set my mind at ease. It feels as though someone is testing me. Whispering in my ear that in order to become the best version of myself, I have to allow myself to forgive. Forgiveness doesn’t have to mean letting in what once hurt you. It could mean shutting the door, or perhaps cutting the cord that continues to zap your brain into thinking about the “what if’s” of your situation.
All my life, I forgave and forgave, only to be hurt over and over again. At what point in my life did I develop trust issues with forgiveness? I don’t know. But this is my opportunity for growth. Why should I cut the cord immediately, with all of those “what if’s” lingering?
Why can’t my real issues be as easy as forgiving the stupid driver in front of me for cutting me off. How was it so easy for me to part ways with that stupid driver. At that moment, it felt as though that guy driving was personally attacking me, when I knew in my head, he really wasn’t, and that he was just ignorant in that moment. Sure it may be easier to forgive a complete stranger. But in that moment, that complete stranger got to me. He was able to pencil himself into my day. Being able to forgive their stupidity, I was able to open my mind to new opportunities. Opportunities for happiness.
I have been on my own journey of self discovery. On this journey I have learned so much about myself, but who had to pay the tolls along the way? Learning to forgive, is learning to let myself be vulnerable. Either vulnerable to more happiness, or even hurt. But in my journey, I have learned that it is better to seek happiness through forgiveness, than holding on to those negative thoughts/experiences. One of the biggest life lessons I have learned is that by forgiving someone, or even yourself, does not make you appear weak. It shows great strength. If someone fails to see this, than they perhaps have their own burdens to battle.
Throughout my life, when someone had hurt me, I never wished them unwell. This is not to toot my own horn, but I was able to feel the hurt in my own way, but end up wishing them well. In my mind, I figured that was forgiveness. I was a fool. Then again, it was not a bad place to start for me. I just had to dig deeper in order to find what it is I had to let go of that I was unable to forgive. Wishing someone well in their endeavors, but not truly forgiving them, worked for me for most of my life. How would I be able to forgive myself for my own treason’s, when I in fact couldn’t fully forgive anyone else?
This inspired my next mission. A mission of self love. My personal journey to seek out what it was the made me truly happy. When I showed myself what it was like to be truly loved, only then I could appreciate myself, and start to let go of any/all doubts. To regain my own trust, I had to find myself. Who it was I truly wanted to be, not who everyone else wanted me to be. Taking responsibility over my own thoughts, and stop isolating myself when I thought things were about to get tough.
Marriage has taught me a lot about forgiveness. When you give your life to another person, it is the most amazing thing. Although being someone with trust issues, with myself and others, this left me feeling completely vulnerable. Honestly, when people get married, they should just be completely naked, as it feels that way. Two people in their most vulnerable state. Creating a life with that someone, isn’t all blue skies. Storm clouds can roll through very unexpectedly. This isn’t a bad thing. It is life. It is love. This is where it is crucial that on those stormy days, you’re able to forgive. To move past whatever small injustice it is that you’re feeling. If you’re with the one you love, then why hold yourself back from experiencing the best thing life has to offer?
Becoming a wife has definitely taught me that it is okay to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable has brought me more happiness than hurt. Along my journey of self discovery, I learned how to be happy with myself first, instead of only feeding off what happiness my marriage was spouting off. Forgiving yourself/your past, does not mean that you have to approve of what it is you did. All that matters is how you pave the road ahead. Even then, learning to be gentle with yourself, and allowing yourself to make mistakes/learn from them. Forgiving is choosing happiness.
Wouldn’t we all be happier if we were able to forgive ourselves and others? Learn to let people experience the best you, not your trauma.