I started writing this blog as a way for people to better understand me, and who I am as a person. I kept my life, experiences, knowledge, and thoughts all to myself, as I thought, and still do think that I know what’s best for me. This is why I had never put my life on display. I didn’t want the judgement or opinions that came along with being open. Until meeting my husband, this was who I was. He made me realize that whether you keep things to yourself or not, or whether you make yourself look like a saint, people will always have an opinion. Which to an extent, I knew this. But it helped me gain perspective, and with him, I love who I am. Who I have become. He helped me blossom, and held my hand as I took demons from my past, and transformed them into life lessons that helped me get to where, and who I am today. My point to this very long introduction is that he brought to light what I deserved, and what I did not, as the demons of my past blinded me to the point that I was taking on extra stress I did not need. Toxic stress. Toxic people.
I have experienced many toxic people in my life. Some friends. Some not. Unfortunately when we create a friendship with someone, we do not expect it to chip away at our energy, and soul. We expect the good times, with a few occasional stressors throughout, but nothing that can not be overcome with a glass of wine, and a good talk.
Yesterday I stumbled upon an article that I wanted to share with you all. In hopes that if anyone has gone through a toxic friendship themselves, and haven’t fully gotten closure, or understanding, hopefully this will shed some light on your situation. Click the link below to read the article by Cosmopolitan titled, 13 Women On How To Tell If A Friend Is Toxic. I will be taking the points made in this article and explaining my own experiences with a toxic friendship I went through myself. “Toxic Tips” being what I’ve personally experienced, and experiences I’ve learned from.
- “If they drain you, they’re toxic.” Toxic Tip #1: If you are always going to this persons house, instead of them coming to yours, this is draining. If they’re expecting you to drop everything you’re doing to convenience them and their time, this is draining. If their life is bleeding on your happiness, as they haven’t discovered themselves, and they’re constantly changing who they are as a person based on who they’re with that day, this is draining. If they think they haven’t made similar mistakes, yet try to bring you down for your past, when they’ve had the same, but have yet to grow, learn, and overcome from their experiences. This is draining.
- “If they’re constantly talking about their life, their problems, but don’t know shit about you, or yours.” Toxic Tip #2: Always being there and offering advice that helped get you through some tough times yourself, yet they don’t take said advice. Which don’t get me wrong, you don’t always have to take someone’s advice when they give it to you, but listen at least, and figure out a way to fix your own problems. Listening to what someone else went through, and gaining perspective is all that person can do for you. Toxic friends are just waiting for you to fix their issues. When it comes time for you to have a bad day, it’s inconvenient for them.
- “If they leave you feeling drained or anxious. When you feel like you have to watch what you say or do.” Toxic Tip #3: Not being able to trust this person with any of your personal business, because they’re judgmental, and think they know what’s best, or that they know everything. At this point you don’t discuss your issues with them, even though this is supposed to be your person. You feel as though your words, and your problems aren’t as important as theirs. As if you’re supposed to have some sort of advice on why their boyfriend broke up with them for the tenth time, and that they can rise from the ashes, of their ashes, of their ashes, of their ashes, of their ashes….
- “The friendship is very one sided.” Toxic Tip #4: When you stop initiating hanging out with said person, because you’ve discovered they’re draining, as you’re trying to better your life, and they’re only holding you back. When the constant stress of their life is rubbing off on yours because they don’t know what they’re doing, or what they need in life, so they take from you and yours. There is a difference between spontaneity, and destruction. In no way does all of this mean that you’re better than said person, just that the person has a lot of internal growth to do. So they’re not worth your time.
- “They’re inconsiderate of your time.” Toxic Tip #5: When you have spent the entire friendship only ever being there for them, yet when you finally say enough is enough, they act out. They throw daggers. When they have yet to understand what a marriage entails, like from my own experiences with a toxic friend, as they have never been in a marriage. Does someone having a marriage make you better than one who does not? No. But when you’re given one of two choices, spending the only little time you have with your husband vs. continuing to drop everything for said friend, a business balanced around their life, and not both lives, a marriage means choosing your husband first. Always. If you didn’t choose your husband that one time, would it kill you? No. But why choose toxicity over your other half? Why choose someone that takes and takes, when you can be with someone you vowed to give your life to. If this person is going to make you feel guilty for choosing your husband first one time, or a thousand times, they’re not worth your time. You’re life does not cease to exist when you become a wife, nor does it make your relationship more important than a non married woman. But it does change your priorities. Something that will be hard to come to terms with, or understand if you were friends with someone before they got married, and liked their “single lady priorities” better. They’re are guidelines to a friendship. See them when you can, and if it becomes overwhelming trying to fit your life into the mold of when they’re available, walk away. Take notice of how you never made them feel guilty for when they couldn’t hangout with you. Understand you’re better off.
- “If you can’t be comfortable confiding in them. When you can’t be yourself without treading lightly.” Toxic Tip #6: Like I said in Toxic Tip #3, if you feel as though you can’t speak your personal business because they’re judgmental, or they aren’t grown enough to keep it to themselves. They’re not a good friend. If they go to their partner complaining about you, they’re not a good friend. If there is something frustrating you in a friendship, speak your mind. Say what you want to say. If they can’t take what you have to say, don’t argue. They’ll never understand. Toxic friends are selfish, and self indulgent.
- “If you think to yourself, is so and so toxic? Then they probably are. If they make you feel like the crazy one.” Toxic Tip #7: Like the article in Cosmo said, if you’re in a healthy friendship, you don’t just go thinking you’re in an abusive one. When you call them out once you’re finally fed up with their bullshit, and they attack you with your past, and try to attack your marriage, they’re toxic. They are still trying to take from you. Your happiness, your success. But in the end, it makes them look weak. Jealous even. Especially if they come from the same past, but don’t own up to their own mistakes. But cast you out for the ones you’ve already moved past. Taking anything to heart that a toxic friend says, that is in a toxic relationship themselves, yet is in denial of said relationship being toxic, is silly. Don’t listen. They are fighting their own battle, and are only trying to drag you down the rabbit hole. There is nothing you can do to save them at this point.
- “If someone disrespects your boundaries.” Toxic Tip #8: I’m sure all of you have heard `No means no’, right? Well to a toxic friend, no is not the answer they’re looking for. When you do say no, all hell breaks lose, and in their eyes, you will always be the one at fault. Someone who isn’t the toxic friend can own up to their faults, and not cast theirs on to others.
- “They’re ask-holes. They ask and ask for advice that they won’t take, yet never give you advice.” Toxic Tip #9: You most likely have nothing to offer this person anymore if they are constantly putting your advice on the back burner, and keep repeating the same old mistakes, just in a different chronological order.
Reading that article put me at ease, as if the article knew everything I was going through in my own toxic friendship. It helped me come to terms with cutting this person out of my life, and be sure of myself that I was making the right decision. The only thing that you can do is wish them the best, be the bigger person, even after all of their daggers, and walk away. This also helps so you don’t ever have to hear from them again. Let them feel as though they won, although the only battle their fighting, is one against themselves. Be proud of being able to spot a toxic friendship, and owning your life by walking away. They will never be able to see themselves as toxic. Even after they are left all alone, they will only blame the world.
I am a Scorpio, and someone who knows me, and what I went through with a toxic friendship passed this video on to me, which I will pass on to all of you. Scorpio October Tarot It will be very enlightening if you are a Scorpio as well.
If you have experienced a toxic friendship, or after reading this realized that you may be in one, you’re not alone, and I hope this blog post helped make you more confident in walking away, and putting yourself first. If you’re not losing friends, you’re not growing.